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Funny Quotations -
because sometimes we just need to lighten up a bit!

Funny Quotations

Why funny quotations and humorous quotes? Because laughter is the best medicine, and even if these quotes don't make you laugh, they just might make you smile instead.

It's easy to get caught up in the struggles of life and take yourself too seriously, but it all begins to make much more sense when you can see the funny side of life.

Read the list below and see if they match your thoughts on what is funny!

When you find one or more funny quotations that you like, or feel connected to, copy and paste it, enlarge the type size as big as it can go and print it. Place this in a spot where you will see it and let it increase your lightheartedness.


Funny Quotations


"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
Groucho Marx


"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
Alfred Hitchcock


"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on"
Samuel Goldwyn


"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
Sacha Guitry


"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Groucho Marx


"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"
Lilly Tomlin


"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes."
Billy Connolly


"Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde


"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing."
Duane Dewel


"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray


"It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours."
Harry S. Truman


"My wife is a sex object -
every time I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson


"Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up."
Joe Namath


Even more Funny Quotations


"My Father had a profound influence on me,
he was a lunatic."
Spike Milligan


"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
Josh Billings


"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to
be there when it happens."
Woody Allen


"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?"
Billy Connolly


"At my age I do what Mark Twain did.
I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Patrick Moore


"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
George Burns


"When I read about the evils of drinking,
I gave up reading."
Henry Youngman


"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
Groucho Marx


"Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on."
Billy Connolly


"The wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."
Les Dawson


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